Jani Kahrama of Secret Exit, creators of the highly acclaimed 3D puzzler Zen Bound, today made a post in our forums entitled "Stair Dismount Touch - The Official Thread of Denial and Misinformation," in which he clearly indicates that an adaptation of the company's original Mac/PC freeware title Stair Dismount will not soon be arriving in the App Store for the iPhone and iPod touch.

Having heard rumors to the contrary, we contacted Jani and pressed him on the matter.  He was quick to inform us that any rumors of such a title in development at the Secret Exit labs are flat-out lies and that any screenshots that might appear on the net would certainly not represent a hypothetical product.

He did not, then, provide us with the following release.

Helsinki, March 9th, 2009 - Following the bipolar success of Zen Bound (the game in which nothing explodes), Secret Exit Headquarters has issued a formal statement denying the circulating rumors of a new Stair Dismount game being in development for iPhone and iPod touch.

"Dismounting is morally reprehensible." says Jani Kahrama, Mismanager of Studio, "It would be irresponsible of us (before securing plausible deniability) to announce an entertainment product in which abstract visuals together with realistic physics-simulated behavior and disturbingly accurate sound effects enable people of moral stability to amuse themselves with explorations into the effects of directed force."

Therefore, effective today, Secret Exit denies all facts about the ongoing development of such a game, Stair Dismount Touch. It is not in a playable shape, in late stages of development or available in the near future at a recession-friendly price point.

Features such as custom face support or a screen capture button for purpose of friendly email attachments are pure speculation and therefore vehemently denied.

Secret Exit is an independent game studio not in the business of developing games for iPhone and iPod touch. Secret Exit believes in the awesome power of press releases.

A release date has been determined (think about that one...), and it will not be released at an affordable price-point.  Hoping that an iPhone version (were it to exist) would add the ability to customize the face on the game's ragdoll would be folly, and anticipating a screengrab feature that captures the dismount-moment to share with friends would be a fool's errand.

Readers can rest assured that, were a game called Stair Dismount Touch to, in fact, appear in the App Store, we would ignore it completely.

  • Alex

    I am utterly confused by this post.

  • Alex

    I am utterly confused by this post.

  • S. Shiflett

    huh?

  • S. Shiflett

    huh?

  • SalsaMD

    "He did [not?], then, provide us with the following release."

  • SalsaMD

    "He did [not?], then, provide us with the following release."

  • http://www.blakespot.com Blake Patterson

    Denial and misinformation is the new rope and wood.

  • http://www.blakespot.com Blake Patterson

    Denial and misinformation is the new rope and wood.

  • http://withashout.net Aaron J

    Funny post!

    It's fairly obvious this entire announcement was written tongue-in-cheek. Get a sense of humor people!

  • http://withashout.net Aaron J

    Funny post!

    It's fairly obvious this entire announcement was written tongue-in-cheek. Get a sense of humor people!

  • SalsaMD

    publishing gimmick: confusing language makes you ponder the subject more. In short, this product will likely be released.

  • JD

    haha! well done.

  • dannys95

    hahaha. nice.

  • SalsaMD

    publishing gimmick: confusing language makes you ponder the subject more. In short, this product will likely be released.

  • JD

    haha! well done.

  • dannys95

    hahaha. nice.

  • Finch

    Stair Dismount for PC was all sorts of fun. I felt stupid playing it for hours on my PC, I feel it will be less stupid to play it on my phone.

    Either way, i'll be nabbing this on launch. Can't wait

  • Finch

    Stair Dismount for PC was all sorts of fun. I felt stupid playing it for hours on my PC, I feel it will be less stupid to play it on my phone.

    Either way, i'll be nabbing this on launch. Can't wait

  • michael sean

    So Alex, does that mean you understood it then?

  • michael sean

    So Alex, does that mean you understood it then?

  • Jt

    This game was so much fun! I can't wait for this to come out- hopefully free. And then maybe truck dismount? I would pay for an app that had both.

  • http://www.smiles-game.com PoV

    > Denial and misinformation is the new rope and wood.

    Haha, great line. :)

  • Jt

    This game was so much fun! I can't wait for this to come out- hopefully free. And then maybe truck dismount? I would pay for an app that had both.

  • http://www.smiles-game.com PoV

    > Denial and misinformation is the new rope and wood.

    Haha, great line. :)

  • http://www.metroccolis.com your personal robot

    LOVE IT :) Thanks for the entertaining post.

  • http://www.metroccolis.com your personal robot

    LOVE IT :) Thanks for the entertaining post.

  • Adams Non-Immersive

    "Try this at home!" is now tied with geoDefense's "Failure is an option!" for my favorite iPhone game line.

    Too bad we'll never see this app. Oh well, I don't like iPhones anyway.

  • Adams Non-Immersive

    "Try this at home!" is now tied with geoDefense's "Failure is an option!" for my favorite iPhone game line.

    Too bad we'll never see this app. Oh well, I don't like iPhones anyway.

  • http://zamuz.deviantart.com zamuz

    i was very confused at first, but it was fun.

  • http://zamuz.deviantart.com zamuz

    i was very confused at first, but it was fun.

  • spiffyone

    In no way whatsoever is Secret Level employing the tried and true strategy of reverse psychology in order to hype up a completely non-existent game

  • spiffyone

    In no way whatsoever is Secret Level employing the tried and true strategy of reverse psychology in order to hype up a completely non-existent game

  • Alex

    well it is so unlike every other post on touch arcade I was a little thrown off.

  • Alex

    well it is so unlike every other post on touch arcade I was a little thrown off.

  • Mokoto

    LOL

    I like it when devs doesn't take themselves too seriously. Bravo Secret Exit, I'll be looking forward to this.

  • Mokoto

    LOL

    I like it when devs doesn't take themselves too seriously. Bravo Secret Exit, I'll be looking forward to this.

  • http://black-chamber.com fractured

    If I had to guess, (I'm looking at the calendar) I'd say this app is coming in 3 weeks and two days. Anyone else want to make a guess?

  • http://black-chamber.com fractured

    If I had to guess, (I'm looking at the calendar) I'd say this app is coming in 3 weeks and two days. Anyone else want to make a guess?

  • LeLe

    So what does this mean for the Cinnamon Beats, on their forums they mention that CB and ZenBound would be released before Star Dismount. I'm looking forward to Cinnamon Beats, just wondering if they still plan on releasing it.

  • LeLe

    So what does this mean for the Cinnamon Beats, on their forums they mention that CB and ZenBound would be released before Star Dismount. I'm looking forward to Cinnamon Beats, just wondering if they still plan on releasing it.

  • http://www.secretexit.com Frand

    CB still needs love and caring before it's ready release.

  • http://www.secretexit.com Frand

    CB still needs love and caring before it's ready release.

  • Steve

    Sweet... I can't wait for this game not to come out! (And I really hated the awesome sarcasm of the entire post...)

  • Steve

    Sweet... I can't wait for this game not to come out! (And I really hated the awesome sarcasm of the entire post...)

  • spamboy

    Wow, this further cements Secret Exit's reputation as an AWESOME dev.

    For those of you who are STILL confused, it IS coming out.

  • spamboy

    Wow, this further cements Secret Exit's reputation as an AWESOME dev.

    For those of you who are STILL confused, it IS coming out.

  • boardopboy

    I will not be waiting for Stair Dismount and I will not be buying it the day it's not released

    In fact, I did not find this post funny at all!

    Blake, Frand... very poorly executed!

    -Not Jeremy

  • boardopboy

    I will not be waiting for Stair Dismount and I will not be buying it the day it's not released

    In fact, I did not find this post funny at all!

    Blake, Frand... very poorly executed!

    -Not Jeremy

  • pinchies

    This post did NOT make my day. I did NOT laugh, or smirk smugly.
    I would NEVER use the face personalization feature as I have no enemies or rivals. :D

  • pinchies

    This post did NOT make my day. I did NOT laugh, or smirk smugly.
    I would NEVER use the face personalization feature as I have no enemies or rivals. :D

  • Exodus

    It's Opposite day!

  • Exodus

    It's Opposite day!

  • Greg

    I look do NOT look forward to this game.

    Honestly, Secret Exit might just be my favorite dev for the iPhone now.

  • Greg

    I look do NOT look forward to this game.

    Honestly, Secret Exit might just be my favorite dev for the iPhone now.

  • zoara

    This seriously needs an option to apply skins to the avatars; then you can push your boss, co-worker or mother-in-law down the stairs.

    Put a template online, then users can edit and upload to Secret Exit's website; give them a key / password which they enter into the app, and that downloads their skin right into the app.

    I'd buy it if you could do that.

  • zoara

    This seriously needs an option to apply skins to the avatars; then you can push your boss, co-worker or mother-in-law down the stairs.

    Put a template online, then users can edit and upload to Secret Exit's website; give them a key / password which they enter into the app, and that downloads their skin right into the app.

    I'd buy it if you could do that.

  • I am single

    I would rather hand my iphone to my x-girlfriend and push her down the stairs, but I guess this game would be cheaper in the long run...

  • I am single

    I would rather hand my iphone to my x-girlfriend and push her down the stairs, but I guess this game would be cheaper in the long run...

  • elr0y7

    had to read that one a couple times...

  • elr0y7

    had to read that one a couple times...

  • dannys95

    I'm guessing that by "A release date has been determined" since it's all backwards it means no release date is determined. :(

  • dannys95

    I'm guessing that by "A release date has been determined" since it's all backwards it means no release date is determined. :(

  • http://www.secretexit.com tonic

    Well we have now some news about the project... Check out end of the thread for more. :)

    http://forums.toucharcade.com/showthread.php?threadid=6645

  • http://www.secretexit.com tonic

    Well we have now some news about the project... Check out end of the thread for more. :)

    http://forums.toucharcade.com/showthread.php?threadid=6645

  • Chase

    Am I a highscorer? Maybe! ? ! ?

  • http://iPhoneGameReleases Chase

    Am I a highscorer? Maybe! ? ! ?

  • http://www.staircarpetrunner.org Abdul Romans

    Fantastic Website! Personally I love mine new carpet runner. It's a great first impression to people coming over to my house. And the carpets are very soft to walk on! Never again do I have to sense the pain of walking on cold stairs in the morning. It also tones down the noise produced from walking on it! I extremely advise everyone to get one! It's as well a amazing safety addition to your home. Believe me, falling on a stair with a carpet runner is much more fun than falling on one without any!

  • http://www.staircarpetrunner.org Abdul Romans

    Fantastic Website! Personally I love mine new carpet runner. It's a great first impression to people coming over to my house. And the carpets are very soft to walk on! Never again do I have to sense the pain of walking on cold stairs in the morning. It also tones down the noise produced from walking on it! I extremely advise everyone to get one! It's as well a amazing safety addition to your home. Believe me, falling on a stair with a carpet runner is much more fun than falling on one without any!

  • http://www.staircarpetrunner.org Amber Yawn

    Great Site! Personally I love mine new carpet runner. It's a perfect first impression to friends visiting to my place. And the carpets are very comfortable to walk on! Never again do I have to sense the pain of walking on arctic cold stairs in the morning. It also mutes the sound created from walking on it! I extremely advocate everyone to get one! It's likewise a perfect safety addition to your home. Trust me, falling on a stair with a carpet runner is much more preferable than falling on one without any!

  • http://www.staircarpetrunner.org Amber Yawn

    Great Site! Personally I love mine new carpet runner. It's a perfect first impression to friends visiting to my place. And the carpets are very comfortable to walk on! Never again do I have to sense the pain of walking on arctic cold stairs in the morning. It also mutes the sound created from walking on it! I extremely advocate everyone to get one! It's likewise a perfect safety addition to your home. Trust me, falling on a stair with a carpet runner is much more preferable than falling on one without any!