Hello, friends. As you know, I spend most of my time at TouchArcade writing about things like old premium RPGs and interactive fiction. Real barn-burners, I assure you. Today, however, I was asked by the Shadowy Consortium who occupy the penthouse of TouchArcade Towers if I might be interested in writing something for a slightly different demographic. In the interest of being a fair and diverse member of our writing staff, I went on The Internet to find out what everyone’s talking about these days. For the most part, it was the usual boring stuff: politicians, awesome TV shows being canceled, and sports results. But I also noticed a few more things that seem to be popular: numbered lists, Slither.io (Free), and, confusingly enough, peanut butter. Oh, I could write three different articles containing these things, but I’ve got RPGs to play. So instead, I’ve mashed them all together into something resembling alphabetic paste. Please enjoy its relaxing flavor, and remember to floss after reading.
#6: Slither.io Is Not Packaged In A Jar
This seems obvious enough. There are many containers useful for storing peanut butter, such as jars, hunks of bread, and lint-filled pockets, but Slither.io can only be contained in some manner of electronic device, perhaps the very one you are reading this immediately-regrettable article on. You can’t really store code in a jar, and even if we were somehow to bring Slither.io to life, you should not put constantly-expanding snakes in a jar. I did that once, and I had to stay after school for at least two weeks.
#5: Slither.io Does Not Go Well With Jam Or Honey
Friends, I hope we’ve built enough trust between each other that you’ll simply take my word for this one. A lot of Eli’s iOS devices are probably never going to be usable again thanks to my investigations for this article. Fortunately, I was able to stash them in Andy Fretz’s desk on floor B25 of the Towers, so if anyone gets fired, it certainly won’t be me. Anyway, keep sugary, sticky spreads away from Slither.io. Even if the snakes look hungry, which they really shouldn’t if you’re playing correctly.
#4: Slither.io Is Not Produced By Skippy, Jif, Kraft, Or Peter Pan
Apparently, Slither.io is published by a guy named Steve Howse. Is that a brand you can trust? Well, I can’t say for sure, but I do know this: I’ll be cold and dead in my grave before I’ll buy peanut butter from a guy named Steve. No offense, Steve.
#3: Peanut Butter Is Very Popular, But Pewdiepie Never Plays It
YouTube sensation and seemingly decent human being Pewdiepie is something of a kingmaker in the gaming world these days. He’s highlighted many interesting little games, turning tons of players onto them and rocketing them to the top of the charts. Yet, in spite of his efforts for games like Slither.io, he has never played with peanut butter in any of his videos. I’m not sure why. I know I’d love to see what Pewdiepie’s reaction would be if someone, for example, put crunchy peanut butter in a jar labeled smooth. Probably he would make that one silly face, or perhaps laugh and bro-fist the camera. I don’t know, I’m just spit-balling here.
#2: It’s Fun To Play Slither.io With Other People
A lot of the fun of Slither.io is in knowing that the pathetic snakes you just crushed in your majestic coils belong to other human players. Ha ha, you worked so hard making your snake big, and I just circled around you until you died. Enjoy the title screen, losers! Similar pleasures cannot be recreated with peanut butter, sadly. In fact, I would say that the enjoyment of peanut butter is probably negatively correlated with how many people have their hands in the jar at any one time. Even if a bunch of people get their hands in there at once, then what? You’ve just got a bunch of peanut butter on your hands, mixed with other people’s sweat and hand grime. That’s nowhere near as fun as Slither.io.
#1: There Is Virtually Zero Chance Of Contracting Salmonella From Slither.io
To be honest, the odds of getting salmonella from peanut butter are pretty low, too. Other than that one time a few years back. But isn’t zero chance better than some chance, however minuscule? Friends, I’ve had salmonella before, and it was no picnic. No matter how good that fried chicken in your friend’s refrigerator looks, you have to entertain the possibility that it might be nine days old. Do you want to take that risk? No, you don’t. Play Slither.io.