Well, now we finally know what Julius Styles: The International is: a bad game. We committed a lot of resources to reporting on it pre-release, so I thought it’d be for the best to tell you all what was up with its quality. Like Joystiq, I could only stomach the first 30 or so minutes of the 3D “King’s Quest meets Alpha Protocol”-ish title, but those 30 minutes were pretty telling. Heck, the first two minutes were.

“They said I needed some time away,” a bad Wesley Snipes impersonator says after the title card. “Some space to think after the incident. Get in a little fishing. Maybe some swimming,” he continues as the game states he’s doing all this in Arctic Lapland.

“I don’t think this is quite what they had in mind. I knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing does,” he says with a dead deer and an old bow strapped over his hulking shoulders. A helicopter carrying a man with a mysterious letter pops into view.

While that’s hilarious on some level, I don’t recommend a purchase at all and probably never will. This seems like a completely directionless game that neglects to telegraph or contextualize events and actions. Its initial puzzles and conversations suffer from the same woes. Also, since when was sarcasm considered a moral choice? Really? I mean, really?