Knowing nothing of the plot, or who 'they' are, it intrigues me and makes me want to carry on. I hope, and am sure it's a good plot - but if I read this page in a shop and got halfway through and it turned out 'they' were something stupid compared to what I was expecting, I could be disappointed! I know you said it's only rough and not set in stone, just thought I'd point out anyway, you wrote The story we all know, our story, and the side we don't see, their side. I think it would read better as The story we all know. Our story. And the story we don't know. Their story. But I'd definitely buy a copy if I read the blurb.
I'd suggest moving this to a forum like writersbeat. Less "tl;dr but give me more" and worries about people finding sexist remarks in common phrases. But as far as the story, you've got me intrigued. If you write more on it, or get it published, let this fan know
Thanks the wording isn't final or anything, so it'll all be polished to perfection once I decide on how I want to say things. If you like where it's at now, I don't think you would be disappointed in where I'm going with it. Thank you as well I'm getting input from quite a few people already, I just thought I'd see what TA had to say about it, since Im on here so frequently. Glad you like the story, I'll be sure to keep you guys updated. I have some experience in short stories already, so this may end up being a serious of short stories that you can buy on your nook, or the nook app for your iPad or iPhone. Most likely in the realm of .99 a download, so anyone even remotely interested will feel like they can give the first one a read without losing much.
Nobody on the planet says "mankind" and is referring only to privileged white men. This whole controversy only arose due to a bunch of bored, unimportant people looking for something to complain about because that's all that freakin' gets them off, as with most items in the giant political correctness filing cabinet of modern-day life. These people need a hard slap and lessons on how to get the f*** over it.
Sorry I missed this when it was posted originally. From a publishers standpoint, if I read that first page in a submission, I'd stop probably after the first paragraph and pass on it. It's not badly written-some grammar issues here and there, but writing it in first person present-is simply asking for trouble later on. Even the most talented writers I know can't pull this off successfully. You also tend to repeat the same thing in a couple of different ways. Repetition kills. For example: "Now, back to that book I was reading. I happened to be reading it in my favorite chair, in my favorite room." Reading and favorite two times in one sentence? No, please, no. My biggest problem, is there isn't much of a hook. What you open with simply isn't enough for a reader, much less an editor, to hang their hat on. It doesn't help when you kind of answer your own question: What do we live for? Or more importantly, why do we live for it? These questions plague my mind for countless hours, demanding to be answered, demanding attention. But my answer, well, I don't have one. If you don't have one, why should I keep reading? You may as you say, have my attention in the next sentence, but that's about it. I'm not trying to be mean; I do this for a living and its one of the few areas I consider myself a professional in life. Having said all that, I urge you to continue but have a copy of Strunk and White's Elements of Style on hand.
In contrast to what Scott Colbert said, I think using the same word twice works perfectly well provided you know you're doing it and are specifically doing it to get a point or feeling across. Oh, and my favourite books are all written in first person... autobiographies
Always nice to get feedback from someone in the business. This isn't the actual first page, I guess I didn't make it clear that it's my way of brainstorming an idea and showing my writing style. I just had the idea and wrote it out, so it'll definitely be tweaked and changed till I'm satisfied with it. I'm glad this page is making people want to read more, but the final first page will be more attention grabbing. That's the plan at least. And the whole thing with not having an answer was supposed to mean that he had one before, but the events in the story left him without one. Another thing I'll work on making clearer of course. That's what I thought too, I was only using it to emphasize the affection he feels for this particular spot. We can probably drop the mankind argument. If I decide to use it in the final draft, it wouldn't be taken out because of the inevitable complaints from people who need to have their opinions heard at any cost. Its been acceptable to use for longer than I've been alive, so I'll just use it if it fits.
Okay. You tell yourself that, and then look at the Western Canon of literature, art, and music and ask why there isn't anything "important" by people who are black, asian, native american, hispanic, women, or from other countries besides Europe and North America. Hint: it's not because these groups have not made valuable and important works.
Similar to what Scott said, it really lacks a hook and I think most people would put the book down after that first paragraph. Sure, there's a select audience who'll be hooked by your philosophical opening, but not the majority. Really the most intriguing thing about that first page is these 'people that don't die', so you should lead with it. I know the first line, the first word even, is extremely difficult, but really, just get on with it, and you'll find it's not that hard. Just have an idea of where the story starts, what the scene is, what needs to be told in that first chapter, and write it. The first line can be anything, it doesn't need to be deep or memorable, just as long as by the end of the first paragraph, the reader wants to read the next. If you start reading from the 3rd paragraph and skip the first two, it makes a nice hook. A strange self-awareness that the author is talking about reading books, and then right into the hook, the immortal people. Of course, I'm talking from a standpoint of someone who thinks you do want to sell this novel.
As far as repetition goes, it's simply a lazy way of writing, rather than using a thesaurus or even using another way to describe something. No editor I know would let that fly. And yes autobiographies are first person, but first person past tense not present--a big difference. And Paradiso, my comments were meant with respect and a willingness to help you, so please don't think I'm being a douche. I've said similar things to Bram Stoker winners too. If you ever need help or advice please feel free to PM me.
I would eventually like to monetize the idea, so my main focus now is getting feedback on the idea itself, and my style of writing. If it seems like the majority of people, both on TA and off, have a problem with either one, I'll go back to square one, and try again. This is something that has my name on it, and is going into the public eye, so I'm trying my hardest to make it into something I can be proud of, whether it sells or not. So it seems like it doesn't have a hook early on, which is a problem. I'll be sure to address that, so it's more likable to the audience that wants to be pulled right into the story. This was just a quick run at the idea and my style, so it's not final by any means. This isn't my main source of income or anything, so it doesn't really matter how long it takes to finish, as long as the final product feels right to me. I know, I appreciate any help I can get, especially from someone who knows what they're talking about. If it comes down to it, I don't have an aversion to writing in third person, so maybe it would sound better like that. I'm surprised I'm getting so much feedback on this. Pleasantly surprised though
Great, well, you sound like a pretty smart guy, so keep at it. The base of an idea is there, I don't know if you have a rough plan outlaid or if this was just a free writing exercise, but you can always tweak, or start again with the same concept. Good luck to you, feel free to post back with more stuff, I think there's quite a few members besides myself who are happy to critique and advise. Of course, like some have pointed out, just don't go posting any final drafts or anything edit: oh and also, take your time with your writing, but don't agonise over making it ultra-ultra perfect before shopping it around to some agents and publishers. It'll always go to an editor first if accepted anyway.
This is true, but if a publisher reads something that looks like a first or second draft-into the rejection pile it goes. Just one other note: while advice is always welcome, ultimately it's up to you to write it the way you want it and how you want it. If it's a good story and well written people will read it (and yes I know I'm contradicting what I said earlier-that was from a publishers pov, this is from my writer side). If you start writing it based on what others want, you'll quickly grow frustrated. The approach I used with my own novella, was I wrote the first two or three chapters. I sent the first chapter to a handful of writer friends to get their feedback. In my case it was just to see if my opening was too graphic. I wrote about half of it and sent it to a friend who's had 30 odd novels publishes since 1979 and he gave me some good criticism. When it was done I actually had a friend edit it for me (I paid her but don't feel you need to do that). I went through her edits, added more of my own and she gave it a final once over. By that time the manuscript was pretty damn clean. I sent it to my current publisher, Skullvines Press, and they snapped it up-one of the reasons being it was so clean. So I've come full circle here; if a manuscript looks too sloppy-editor or not it'll get rejected. No one likes doing extra work, esp. when the writer should be doing a lot of it.
Well part of it is it's not another which game should I get thread; it's also part you were serious and asking for help and it's been my experience in my time on TA that we're a helpful bunch.
I plan on extensive editing myself, and of course friends reading through it as well. My goal at this point is to build the story that people want to read. Being a reader myself, I know the feeling when you have a really great book, and it totally draws you into it's world. You can tell the author truly knows a character, enough to be able to convincingly speak as that character. If I can bring that feeling and sense of immersion to my readers, then I'll be happy with it. Of course I'm going to do my best to make sure that it's as error free as possible, and contains nothing unnecessary as well. I don't remember who said it, but the quote, "say nothing unless it improves upon silence," has always stuck with me. Whenever I write, I try to give my work something more than just the story as it's written. I hoped people could relate to his worn book, or the soft chair, or the room that's new to the reader, but so familiar and comfortable to the character. I'll definitely keep working at it when I have time. For now it's a project between work and college.
