After owning an iphone 3G for almost 3 years now, the app store and its overabundance of thrilling time-wasters hasn’t only depleted my college savings; it’s taught me some valuable lessons and techniques that I will undoubtedly utilize as I mature into a fine young man. I’d like to share some with you today in hopes that you too can learn something from “the store that empties your wallet”. In no particular order, let’s begin: I have learned (how to): • Strategies for breeding and exploiting colorful frogs (‘cause ya know, everyone’s into that now a days). • Reach outer space via an onslaught of random plummeting objects. • Destroy green swine with your collection of irked birds and an oversized slingshot. • Exploit ten, count it, ten, fictional masters of ball-dropping (lol) to erase all orange circles off the face of the planet. MWAHAHAHA!!! • Transfer small spheres to a fellow feline using only the power of ARROWS! (boo-yah!) • Swing from decrepit cave walls to escape a carnivorous dark spirit (come on! Don’t tell me you dont own a grappling hook!) • Conquer an invasion of single-colored, revenge-seeking quadrilaterals. (It’s a daily thing for me…) • Direct fast-moving aircraft obviously flown by color-blind, directionally challenged pilots to their corresponding runways. (And when two come to a devastating crash, simply enjoy brewing coffee, a hot stewardess and just give it another go!) • Fling colorful balls of happiness into swirling vectors of success! • Impress my mother and become a master of slicing fruit (a necessary skill to perfect). • Maneuver a jet-powered racecar through a series of cumbersome cubes looming serenely in the stratosphere (an educated guess). • Shoot down an assortment of enemy aircraft. (The catch: the 3rd dimension has mysteriously disappeared…) • Kill enemies such as the devastating “noodle cup” with duo directional pads (only to realize it will respawn unharmed.) • Discover beacons of rainbow squigglies after triumphing over cubic landscapes. (Oh, btw, you’re a square…) • Explore and discover secrets regarding ominous landscapes of puzzles and enigmas while traveling via screenshots. • Attempt to blow-up numerical spheres only to come to the conclusion that the situation worsens with every attempt. • OBJECT! (‘nuff said.) • Use weapons of mass destruction to meanly (is that word?) pop every single innocent red ball in sight to selfishly rack up points. (What did those red balls ever do to you!?!) • Master the trade of balancing simple and emotionally and physically unstable shapes on top of each other to reach new heights. • Use your godly directional powers (once again) to rescue non-wanting-to-be-infected humans from the loitering un-dead. • Wrap wooden objects with rope…(Wait, why is this useful again…?) • Do weird things with this blue orb thing to like absorb other red orb things… kinda? Hope you guys had a laugh or two reading this quirky essay that I threw together in an hour! And devs, keep up the great works providing awesome titles for idevice lovers!