What the app store has taught me.

Discussion in 'General Game Discussion and Questions' started by starmonkey101, Sep 18, 2010.

  1. starmonkey101

    starmonkey101 Well-Known Member

    Oct 3, 2009
    FLA, USA
    #1 starmonkey101, Sep 18, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2010
    After owning an iphone 3G for almost 3 years now, the app store and its overabundance of thrilling time-wasters hasn’t only depleted my college savings; it’s taught me some valuable lessons and techniques that I will undoubtedly utilize as I mature into a fine young man. I’d like to share some with you today in hopes that you too can learn something from “the store that empties your wallet”. In no particular order, let’s begin:
    I have learned (how to):

    • Strategies for breeding and exploiting colorful frogs (‘cause ya know, everyone’s into that now a days).

    • Reach outer space via an onslaught of random plummeting objects.

    • Destroy green swine with your collection of irked birds and an oversized slingshot.

    • Exploit ten, count it, ten, fictional masters of ball-dropping (lol) to erase all orange circles off the face of the planet. MWAHAHAHA!!!

    • Transfer small spheres to a fellow feline using only the power of ARROWS! (boo-yah!)

    • Swing from decrepit cave walls to escape a carnivorous dark spirit (come on! Don’t tell me you dont own a grappling hook!)

    • Conquer an invasion of single-colored, revenge-seeking quadrilaterals. (It’s a daily thing for me…)

    • Direct fast-moving aircraft obviously flown by color-blind, directionally challenged pilots to their corresponding runways. (And when two come to a devastating crash, simply enjoy brewing coffee, a hot stewardess and just give it another go!)

    • Fling colorful balls of happiness into swirling vectors of success!

    • Impress my mother and become a master of slicing fruit (a necessary skill to perfect).

    • Maneuver a jet-powered racecar through a series of cumbersome cubes looming serenely in the stratosphere (an educated guess).

    • Shoot down an assortment of enemy aircraft. (The catch: the 3rd dimension has mysteriously disappeared…)

    • Kill enemies such as the devastating “noodle cup” with duo directional pads (only to realize it will respawn unharmed.)

    • Discover beacons of rainbow squigglies after triumphing over cubic landscapes. (Oh, btw, you’re a square…)

    • Explore and discover secrets regarding ominous landscapes of puzzles and enigmas while traveling via screenshots.

    • Attempt to blow-up numerical spheres only to come to the conclusion that the situation worsens with every attempt.

    • OBJECT! (‘nuff said.)

    • Use weapons of mass destruction to meanly (is that word?) pop every single innocent red ball in sight to selfishly rack up points. (What did those red balls ever do to you!?!)

    • Master the trade of balancing simple and emotionally and physically unstable shapes on top of each other to reach new heights.

    • Use your godly directional powers (once again) to rescue non-wanting-to-be-infected humans from the loitering un-dead.

    • Wrap wooden objects with rope…(Wait, why is this useful again…?)

    • Do weird things with this blue orb thing to like absorb other red orb things… kinda?

    Hope you guys had a laugh or two reading this quirky essay that I threw together in an hour! And devs, keep up the great works providing awesome titles for idevice lovers! :)
  2. Donovan1209

    Donovan1209 Well-Known Member

    Jan 28, 2010
    United States
    Jump up platforms as a funky doodly thing
  3. wootbean

    wootbean Well-Known Member

    Feb 8, 2009
    the next whiskey bar
    I don't recognize like half of them D: which ones are they all
  4. dyscode

    dyscode Well-Known Member

    Apr 11, 2010
    Writer/ Music Producer
    Germany & Tokyo
    It´s useful to better wrap up human (pref. female) objects in rope.

    the things the appstore thaught me is

    - be careful with impulse buying
    - always check the lite version / game video first
    - be patient
  5. csklimowski

    csklimowski Well-Known Member

    Dec 30, 2009
    #5 csklimowski, Sep 18, 2010
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2010
    Great thread! I, personally, have learned to:

    1. Outrun an avalanche through a mountainous region using only a hammer and a rope.

    2. Prepare a smoothie in the most epic way known to mankind.

    3. Traverse 1000 feet below the ground to find a gigantic app icon.

    4. Invest in real-estate in a city entirely built from flat tiles.

    5. Reduce incoming UFO's to dust with an omnidirectional flame thrower while flying at extremely high altitudes.

    6. Use highly flammable chemicals in a room full of mysteriously useless walls to destroy color-coded mummies.

    7. Construct a geometric security system involving traps which suck up the internal organs of defeated foes.

    8. Command an armada of triangular ships in galactic warfare.

    9. Hit someone in the correct place to cause the most damage possible to his body as he tumbles down stairs.

    10. Discover my destiny as a shape-shifting knight in an alternate universe.

    11. Survive when the red dot apocalypse strikes.

    12. Identify Grog.

    13. Swap jewels again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...

    We could turn this into a game, where we need to guess where the lessons came from.
  6. Tmonine

    Tmonine Well-Known Member

    Aug 27, 2009
    Agreed entirely.
    Here's my list but I won't be able to make it as good as you guyses.

    Dash across a vast (playing) field to reach a nuclear bomb, only to have it explode as soon as I touch it, eradicating the vicinity of anything red.

    Find a road that goes for 50+ km in a dead straight line, then drive along it at insanely fast speeds doing front flips and wheelies.

    Run between trees

    Hunt turkeys, even when someone else has already beat me to it. (skele-turkey)

    Throw a badger out of a window

    Leak rainbows while cross-country skiing insanely fast

    Help rabbits to avoid being eaten by foxes, by way of intercourse (bunny breeder, great simple line draw game)

    Swallow a pill that is three times the size of the spaceship I am piloting

    Throw paper balls into trash cans. In nine different countries.

    Destroy various unfriendly critters - by pointing a torch at them.

    Dodge falling sea life

    Mess with the laws of gravity


    Survive in the emergency of a zombie/mummy/vampire/demon apocalypse If my legs are jammed on top speed

    Tell the difference between a cart full of onions and a sweetcorn.

    Chase a wheel
  7. Tmonine

    Tmonine Well-Known Member

    Aug 27, 2009
    here are my guesses it is all in white in case someone else wants to work it out themselves, but half of my answers are 'idk' anyway.
  8. sammysin

    sammysin Well-Known Member

    Feb 23, 2010
    Government Official.
    Swansea, UK
    Nice essay monkey!
  9. one f jef

    one f jef Well-Known Member

    Dec 30, 2009
    What the app store has taught me: People will buy ANYTHING.
  10. starmonkey101

    starmonkey101 Well-Known Member

    Oct 3, 2009
    FLA, USA
    thanks :)

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