Tell a Joke Thread! (No dirty jokes please)

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Lounge' started by KennyK, Mar 2, 2013.

  1. Sambobsung

    Sambobsung Well-Known Member

    May 19, 2012
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    Your right. Saw that movie again today. Quite humorous. 'I have an I.Q. Of 48, or what some people may refer to as 'Mentally Retarded'.
     
  2. k1lljoy_89

    k1lljoy_89 Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2011
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    Look out your window.
    Don't call me a bitch, whore.
     
  3. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    [​IMG]
     
  4. k1lljoy_89

    k1lljoy_89 Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2011
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    Look out your window.
    [​IMG]
     
  5. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    [​IMG]
     
  6. k1lljoy_89

    k1lljoy_89 Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2011
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    Look out your window.
    [​IMG]
     
  7. Sambobsung

    Sambobsung Well-Known Member

    May 19, 2012
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    You humor me k1ll. One of my favourite parts of that movie. And the 'don't call me a bitch, whore' was good as well xD
     
  8. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    [​IMG]
     
  9. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    Loud noises!!!
     
  10. ninjackid

    ninjackid Well-Known Member

    May 27, 2010
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    A blonde is at home with her boyfriend when the phone rings. The blonde picks up the phone, and then starts crying, so her boyfriend sits next to her, trying to comfort her and asks, "Honey, why happened?"

    The blonde replies through tears, "It's my mom. She passed away last night."

    So the boyfriend says he's sorry, hugs her, and eventually she stops crying.

    Then the phone rings again, and the blonde picks it up. She starts crying again.

    The boyfriend sits next to her again, "Honey, what is it this time?"

    The blonde looks up through her tears, "It was my sister, her mom died last night, too!"
     
  11. Vovin

    Vovin 👮 Spam Police 🚓

    Nov 28, 2009
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    Both her and her sister's mom died the same night? That's not funny, that's really a tragedy. :(
     
  12. slammajamma28

    slammajamma28 Well-Known Member

    Feb 1, 2013
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    Q: What does a hungry clock do?
    A: It goes back four second
     
  13. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

    The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

    But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

    She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

    The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
     
  14. KennyK

    KennyK Well-Known Member

    A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

    So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.

    Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
     
  15. Vovin

    Vovin 👮 Spam Police 🚓

    Nov 28, 2009
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    #118 Vovin, Mar 22, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2013
    This is not a joke directly, but the funniest text I've ever read. Enjoy:


    Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
    Frank notes: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting - So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:



    CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could use it to remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



    CHILI # 2 - ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



    CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now- get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.



    CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?



    CHILI # 5 - LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; a barmaid saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!



    CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. Can't feel my lips anymore.



    CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress and he is cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.



    CHILI # 8 - HELEN's MOUNT SAINT CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

    FRANK: Momma?
     
  16. DannyTheElite

    DannyTheElite Well-Known Member

    Oct 13, 2012
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    Don't get offended by this blonde people just a joke
    There were 15 blondes and 1 dark haired person on the plane
    The roof came off and the plane turned upside down , all that was holding them on was a single metal bar. The pilot said someone has to drop because the bar is about to break
    The dark haired person said that she would let go . The blondes clapped...
     
  17. k1lljoy_89

    k1lljoy_89 Well-Known Member

    Nov 25, 2011
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    Look out your window.
    Lmao
     

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