One last...: An elderly lady came to see the doctor. She told him "I've been farting but there's no sound or smell!" Doctor looks at her, with a surprised look on his face. She then says, "I've been farting this whole time and you haven't noticed." The Doctor then provides her with a prescription. A week passes by, and the elderly lady returns to the doctor. The lady looks at the doctor, and says " I'm farting now, and they smell foul." The doctor smiles, "Now that we cured your sinus infection, let's fix your hearing."
Oh, wait... A guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. He orders a drink, and notices the bar is completely empty. So he's sipping his drink, when suddenly he hears a voice. "Hey, nice haircut." He looks around in confusion. Having seen nobody but the bartender, he simply shrugs and figures he's imagining it. Then, "Hey, nice shirt!" He gets more freaked out, and calls the bartender over. "Do you hear those voices?" "What voices? I don't hear anything. What were they saying?" "One said 'nice haircut', and one said 'nice shirt'." "Oh, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary."
I was so ugly when I was born, when my mother saw me she slapped the doctor in the face. When I was in grade school I told the other kids I had ESP...unfortunately I was trying to spell CAR!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going 2 STICK! Careful.. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was stupid'
There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters who decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying the wife finally got pregnant, and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son, took one look, and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no possible way he could be the father of that child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me? The wife just smiled sweetly and said, Well, not this time!
