Tell a Joke Thread! (No dirty jokes please)

Hoggy's Joke Of The Day - Science Edition

*Not my joke, something I read elsewhere*

 

Hoggy's jokes make me want to die.

 

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week

 

I'm sorry...Midian's comment put me in a humour depression

One of my friends jokes (I added a bit to the main structure)...we both don't like the majority of music

One day, Justin Bieber, One Direction, Nicki Minaj, Blood On The Dance Floor, Skrillex, Lil' Wayne, Miranda Cosgrove, All Disney Channel Artists, Big Time Rush and Insane Clown Posse all walked into a bar

Spoiler

There's no punchline as ruining music isn't funny

 

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

 

Two fish in a tank. One says: "How do you drive this thing?"

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

An old man finally gets the sports car of his dreams and decides to go for a drive and see what his new car can do. He's letting loose on the highway, when police lights and sirens turn on right behind him. He looks at his speed and notices he's doing 100, so he presses on the gas increasing it to 110, presses a little harder increasing his speed to 120. Finally he decides "I'm to old for this" and pulls over. When the cop reaches his window he says "look old man, I've got 30 minutes left in my shift and it's Friday,if you give me a good excuse I've never heard before, I'll give you a warning". The old man thinks for a sec, and replies "3 years ago my wife left me for a police officer, I thought you were bringing her back", to which the cop replied, "have a good day sir!"

 

If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?

 

Forgot about this thread. Those are awesome Kenny.

Hoggy's are decent, saved only by the fact that I hadn't heard them and agree in his music taste.

Vovin's were okay but I've heard each on like 27 times each. Lol

 

lmao

 

For the most part, most of them are good.

 

A young kid is sitting on the swing set in a park, eating an exorbitantly large amount of candy.

An elderly man comes up to him and, trying to be a positive influence, says "Son, you shouldn't be eating all that candy. It's bad for your teeth and for your health!"

The boy looks at him and replies, very matter of factly, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 105 years old!"

The man is astounded, and curious about the grandfather's secret. "Did he eat a lot of candy?"

The boy replies "No. He minded his own damn business."

 

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. One is in his 60's, one is in his 70's, and the third is in his 80's.

The man in his 60's says, "Man, being in your sixties is terrible. I have the feeling like I need to pee all day, but when I get in front of the toilet, nothing ever comes out!"

The man in his 70's quickly answers, "That's nothing! Just wait until you're in your 70's! You have to eat all this fiber and healthy food to keep yourself regular, so you walk around all day feeling like you need to sit on the toilet. But when you finally get there, NOTHING comes out!"

The man in his 80's laughs at the two of them and says, "THAT's nothing! It's worse in your 80's, by far."

The man in his 60's asks him, "Why? do you have trouble urinating?"
He answers, "Not at all. Every morning at 6:30, I completely empty my bladder like clockwork."

The man in his 70's says, "Oh, so then you have trouble evacuating your bowels."
To this, the older man answers, "No! Every morning, like clockwork again, I take a huge one at 6:45! Never fail."

The two "younger" men look at each other and ask him, "So, what's the problem, then?"

"I wake up at 7:00!"

 

How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

They tell you.