Wife texts husband on a cold winter's Morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husbandtexts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wifetexts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now.
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
I have a shit ton of jokes in my iPod notes accumulated over a period of time, I'll be distributing them throught this thread. That's a no
My dental hygienist is so cute I usually eat a whole bag of Oreos just before a cleaning! This joke is from the comedian Steven Wright
Why did the chicken cross the road? Spoiler He was being chased by cooks at KFC Why did the horse cross the road? Spoiler He was being chased by cooks at Burger King Why did the fish cross the road? Spoiler He didn't. He died once he got onto the shore
A lady asks a man at a bar what he's drinking. He replies, "Magic beer." She asks what's so magic about it? So he stands up and proceeds to fly about the room. The woman, amazed, tells the bartender, "Give me what he has." So she gets the drink, gulps it all down, runs outside, climbs to the roof, jumps off and then... Falls to her death. Inside, the bartender and the man watched this from a window. The bartender turns to the man an says, "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk."
