Need help from native english speaker here

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by copaeci, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. copaeci

    copaeci Well-Known Member

    Nov 2, 2012
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    Hello I need a help from you all especially native english speaker here.
    So, to make it brief me and my friend will make a comic for school project and of course we need a story for it. The story will come as a narration
    Here is the text and I wish any of you can help me to correct this . Thank you so much for your help :)


     
  2. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    Scene 1:
    Once upon a time, in a Belato Kingdom live a prince named Brave. Brave has a beautiful girlfriend from the Flower Kingdom named Happy. Brave loves Happy so much and no one can separate them. Unfortunately, one day an evil king comes and kidnap the princess. With the power of love, Brave is come to save the princess.....

    [If you are narrating or telling a story one of the things you typically have to keep in mind is the tense or timing of the story, typically if you start talking about the past (in past-tense) you'll want to keep the whole story in the past (for example: "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, one built a house of straw, another built a house of wood, and the last, a house of brick. A wolf came and blew the first two houses down, but he was not able to blow down the last one. So he left.")

    Once upon a time, in the Belato Kingdom [or 'Kingdom of Belato'], there lived a prince named “Brave.” Brave had a beautiful girlfriend from the Flower Kingdom named “Happy.” Brave loved Happy so much that none could separate them [using 'none' is stronger than 'no one' and it’s also more medieval sounding to the ear, you can also say 'nothing could separate them' or 'they were inseparable']. Unfortunately, one day an evil king came to Belato and kidnapped the beautiful princess Happy. With the Power of Love [capitalizing 'Power of Love' makes it more like an item used in a game or a magical power, 'power of love' is not as powerful], Brave swore to save the princess [or 'That day Brave swore to save the princess with the Power of Love'].
     
  3. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    Scene 2:
    Unfortunately, it'll be a long journey to save the princess. The evil king lives so far away and the prince must pass the rugged terrain. However, like his name there's no fear on the prince's heart. All of his mind just to save his lovely girlfriend, but first he must pass the grassland of wrath before arrive in disaster ocean...

    It was not an easy journey [or ‘quest’ or ‘task’] for Brave to save his Loved One [again stronger than ‘loved one,’ ‘Love,’ ‘love,’ or ‘princess’ are all fine too, I’m just adding suggestions]. The evil king dwelled [‘dwelled’ or ‘dwelt’ is more medieval than ‘lived’ but all three options are fine] in a kingdom very far from Belato. The lands separating the two kingdoms were harsh and dangerous to traverse [or ‘travel’]. However, our hero, living up to his namesake, was not afraid, as fear did not dwell in his heart [‘dwell’ also sounds more evil than ‘live,’ creatures ‘dwell,’ people ‘live’ and the expression in English in that good or evil lives ‘in’ or ‘within’ the heart, this is difficult and confusing to people who aren’t that used to English because things can be ‘on the chest’, ‘in the mind,’ or ‘on one’s mind’]. His mind made one to save the one he loves, his first deadly obstacle laid before him, the dreaded Grasslands of Wrath [in writing it’s good to return to certain themes ‘separation,’ ‘love,’ ‘oneness,’ it’s good to also emphasize how dangerous the journey is, also for some reason it’s ‘grasslands’ instead of ‘grassland,’ grassland is small meaning like a football or farm field or so were as ‘grasslands’ would be the ‘fields’ or ‘plains,’ I also might hold off on announcing the next obstacle until the hero gets there].
     
  4. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    Scene 3:
    The prince passed the grassland safely, now he must sail the ocean. Unfortunately, there's no sailor can lend a ship for him. Everyone is afraid with the disaster ocean, they're afraid if their ship might strand in the ocean. But the prince is different, probably he took the worst decision ever on his life, he decide to dive the ocean.... Ah I wish the prince will arrive safely on the eternal snow forest...

    Having narrowly crossed the grasslands intact, Brave then had to bravely vanquish the Ocean of Disaster [in Japanese and Chinese usually the adjective comes before the noun it modifies, however in English ‘Disaster Ocean’ sounds like a foreign or video game thing ‘disaster’ is itself a noun’ so it’s actually ‘Disastrous Ocean’ which sounds more appropriate, but because that sounds more like how you would describe the ocean than being a proper name of a place we usually would call it “The Ocean of Disaster,” it’s also more foreboding or scarier to place words in this order, and very popular “Call OF Duty” World OF Warcraft: Warlords OF Draenor, Lord OF War, God OF War, etc.]. Complicating matters greatly, he could not find a captain nor crew that would lend him a sea-worthy vessel for his cause. All feared that terrible ocean, for it would sink even the mightiest of ships [‘strand’ is where you are ‘stranded on a deserted island’ meaning your ship would sink and if you were lucky you could swim to a nearby island and hopefully survive there ‘standed’ until another vessel (‘ship’) found you, sailors would probably fear that their ship would sink and they would drown more than being stranded, being stranded is a relatively better outcome than those feared possibilities]. But the Prince was a man apart, and made what was to be either the worst decision of his life or merely the craziest. He decided to dive beneath the volatile waves and swim through the Ocean alone. [unfortunately, since this is all past tense, you wouldn’t be able to say ‘how I wished he would make it to the eternal snow forest’ because the narrator would know how the story ends, but not the audience]
     
  5. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    Scene 4:
    I can't believe the prince can passed the disaster ocean, and the princess is just one step away over there. This time the prince should survive in the eternal snow and actually I doubt if he can pass this time

    Despite all odds the prince made it through the briny deep, very soaked, but, thankfully, very much alive. The thought that his love needed him had brought him this far, now that love needed to get him through one more unwelcoming land. Still wet but now shivering, he began his journey through the frigid Forest of Eternal Snowfall. [I think that sounds cooler, as it imparts that it’s always snowing there and is not just full of snow, this and the following scene are a littler smaller than the others...]
     
  6. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    Scene 5:
    What a great prince I ever seen, he passed them all and it's the time to get back the princess.... Go Brave, save the princess. It might not easy but believe in your heart that your love can't be separated away from you.
    Such a brave soul the world had never seen before [you can say ‘the world and I’ but that makes it more like the narrator is some sort of god], the deathly lands lie conquered behind him, his soul’s mate somewhere captive in the land ahead of him. Go forth, dauntless one, go forth and prove that love conquers all! [‘Dauntless’ is another word for ‘brave,’ like someone who won’t back down from a challenge. It’s ok to switch to present tense if you’re saying ‘that was the story so far, now the stuff we don’t know about begins.’ ‘Love conquers all’ is an old saying]

    I hope that’s not too confusing and is helpful! Good luck with your project!
     
  7. copaeci

    copaeci Well-Known Member

    Nov 2, 2012
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    Thank you so much you're really helpful :)
     
  8. Tallgeese

    Tallgeese Member

    Oct 9, 2014
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    You're welcome ^_^! Happy to help when I have time!
     
  9. Aden Apps

    Aden Apps Active Member

    Nov 25, 2014
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    We are native English speakers here. Feel free to send us a private message if you ever need a translation in the future. Happy to help!
     
  10. Driver 4118

    Driver 4118 Well-Known Member

    May 9, 2014
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    What about the volcano? It seems like his journey to the princess is basically like a video game. Most games have a fire-themed level.
     

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