*sigh* The duck asked the bartender if he had any nails because he was supposedly going to nail his beak to the bar if he didn't stop asking for grapes. If he doesn't have any nails, he can't nail him to the bar, causing the duck to annoy him even more.
boo, you ruined it I have one- Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the hood. The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross." So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f**king car!"
zebra dies and goes Heaven. At the gate he meets an angel and the angel asks him if there is anything he wants to ask God. He says "I alwasy wanted to know if I was white with black stripes or black with white stripes." Then angel said "Okay" and left to ask God. When he returned he said "God says you are what you are." The zebra said "That doesn't help me at all!" The angel said. "Yes it does. You are white with black stripes." The zebra said "How do you know?" The angel replied. "If you were black with white stripes He would have said 'you is what you is'. " ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom' . With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Dad. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...... Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your son, Jonathan P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
I read this on reader's digest yesterday A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
B-B-B-BUMP! So a guy is in a bar and head's to the restroom to take a leak. He's doing his business when all of a sudden, a really short guy with red hair, dressed in all green clothes, goes to the urinal next to him. The guy looks down at the little green dude and can't help but notice he's got an enormous package! Feeling a little awkward he says to little green dude, 'hey man sorry for staring... couldn't help it... your dick is huge! How does a little guy have such a big package?" Little green dude says, 'Aye, I'm a leprechaun. we all have huge dicks!.... and i'll make you a deal... if you let me butt#@*k you in this restroom, I will grant you a wish and you can have a huge package like me' The guys thinks to himself for a minute... 'hmmm.... i'm not gay... but man I really want a big package like that... would do wonders for my sex life' So he says, what the hell and agrees. the leprechaun starts going to work and the guy is screaming in pain, 'I can't believe i'm letting a leprechaun do this to me!!!' And the leprechaun says, 'I can't believe you believe in leprechauns!'
fantasy? Lets just say I have a lot of hair dye and green clothes... ...and i put the sex back into "convicted sex criminal"
I know right. That's why I thought it was so funny. First of all, when the hell did Amish get computers??? I don't care if it is 2009, wtf? And of course the obvious, who/why the hell are they dating. I thought Amish get married at 12, start pumping out babies by 14, and don't have a word for "divorce"
Hahaha, I even registered for it because I was so interested to see what people wrote about themselves. 'Woman of 24 years of age, good company, can peel over 300 potatos per day, fully competent in ox ploughing, few diseases - I only have cholera, smallpox, scurvy and genital warts. Interested in discreet relationship under the name of the Holy Lord. No men in any way related to the devil, please - I will get hung. e-mail me at: [email protected]'.
A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks. "Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks. "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says. Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25."
