Have you ever seen Helen Keller's dad? Don't feel bad, she hasn't either. LOL! How did she burn the side of her face? She answered the iron. How did she burn the other side? They called back. In all honestly I feel bad for her but, Helen Keller jokes are to funny
heaven's been getting a little crowded, so god orders a new policy: you have to have a bad day the day you die. so, the first person walks up to the angel at the gate. the angel says: "ill have to hear about the day you died before i can let you in." so, the guy replies: "it was horrible... i have been suspecting that my wife has been cheating on me, so during lunch, i went home to our apartment on the 25th floor to catch her in the act. i found her naked, so i searched all around the apartment, but couldnt find the guy; then, i looked across the hall and found him hanging off of the balcony. i stomped on his feet till he fell down, but some bushes broke his fall, so i grabbed the first thing i could find, which happened to be the refrigerator, and dropped it on him. i was so happy that i had a heart attack and died almost instantly." the angel let him in and the next person walks up. the angel says, "i have to hear about the day you died before i can let you in." the guy says, "ok, i was doing my daily exercise on the 26th floor balcony, when i fell off, luckily i managed to grab the ledge below me. then, this crazy guy stomps on my hands and i fell off, but some bushes broke my fall. then, he takes his refrigerator, of all things, and drops it on me." the angel laughs and lets the guy in. he tells the next person: "ill have to hear about the day you died before i can let you in." the guy responds: "so, imagine this, im naked inside a refrigerator...
Didn't your mom teach you not to be disrespectful and did anyone tell you what a FUNNY joke actually is? And if you have ever felt a basketball ball you would know that your "joke" would never work. And god, no one taught you how to spell her? I am in need of a GOOD laugh. Got any more kazamar? You always get me
Yeah TA's been rather bland the last few weeks, it would appear most of the "tards" on the site have either left or learned to shut the hell up....so what's one to do all day at work? Contribute to legitimate on topic conversation? If anybody really stupid is reading this.........we need your help.
What do you call a penguin in the city? Lost. ---------------------------------------- A man walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says to the social worker, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Sir your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes. All your clothing will be provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. Your starting salary will be $200,000 a year". The man says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ------------------------------------------------- One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took out a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and says, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!" ------------------------------------ Sorry, I don't have too many good ones...
Wow! Shocker! I'm starting a tumblr for random stuff it's not really all that funny but you wont learn anything useful either . You know what I might actually plagiarize a bit just to be sure I'm doing everything right Here's a funny joke: -What's funnier than a dead baby? -What? -A dead baby wearing a clowns outfit! :l ____________________________________________________ -Have you read shakespeare? - No, Who wrote it?
I have a good one! ------------------------------------- So a huge flood comes to this one town and everyone is evacuating except one man, who is deeply religious and believes God will save him. The water starts piling up, and once it about to his chest a bunch of people in a canoe come by, telling him to climb on the canoe and get the heck out of there. "No, I musn't. God will save me," he says. The canoe paddles away. Soon he's floating around in the water, and a larger ship comes by. Someone climbs down the side and says "Man, are you crazy!? Get on our ship and save yourself! The man says "No, I musn't. God will save me." And the ship sails away. Soon the water is well over the rooftop, and a Helicopter comes by and drops a rope. "Crazy dude! Climb up! This may be your last chance to live!" "NO!" the man shouts. "I musn't. God will save me!" Reluctantly, the helicopter withdraws the rope and flies away. Sure enough, the man dies and goes to heaven. He walks in the gates and meets Saint Peter, and then goes to see God. God welcomes him to heaven. "Thank you," the man says, "But I'm a bit disappointed. I've worshipped and prayed to you all my life, and this one time I asked you to help me, you never came through." God raised his eyebrows. "Well, I sent you a canoe, a ship, and a helicopter... what other help do you want!?"
I HAZ ANOTHER: So a duck walks into a bar, and he walks up to the bartender, says "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Um, no... this is a bar. Would you like some beer? maybe some whiskey?" but the duck just walks away. The next day, the duck comes back in, and says the same thing: "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "Um, no... remember? All we serve here is alcohol. Now go away unless you intend to order something we have!" So the duck walks away. The next day the duck comes back and asks for Grapes again. The bartender says "Duck, if you don't shut up and never come back I'll nail your beak to the bar and leave you there. Now get away!" So the duck walks away. The NEXT day the duck comes back. The bartender is furious. The duck says, "Got any nails?" The bartender is really confused. "No.. what the?... OH..." "Got any grapes?" -------AND ANOTHER-------- So a family goes away for a week and asks the neighbors to stop in and feed their cat, and also to check up on Grandma because she has a little trouble around the house. The first day of their vacation, the family's mom calls and asks about the cat. The neighbors' dad says "Well, the cat died." "WHAT!?" says the mom. She starts sobbing. "Why did you tell us like that!? So soon and right at the start of our vacation! Couldn't you have made up a story to get us used to the fact that the cat died? Like, first say the cat ran up on the roof and won't come down? Then the next day, say the fireman came and the cat still won't get down? Then say the cat won't eat, THEN tell us the cat died, to get us used to the idea?" "Gosh, I'm so sorry!" the dad says. The mom wipes her eyes and clears her throat. "Well, that's bad news but how's Grandma? Did she take her meds?" "Err... Grandma's on the roof and she won't come down."
If I explained it it would ruin the whole joke. But, here's another Duck one: These 3 old ladies go to heaven and are warned by an Angel not to step on ANY Ducks. OR ELSE. At first they think he's crazy but then they go into heaven's gates and see MILLIONS of ducks just wandering around. They try really hard not to step on them. The first lady steps on a duck on accident. The angel appears with a really ugly guy and tells her that since she stepped on a Duck, she has to be chained to the man for eternity. "NO!" she screams, and they disappear in a cloud of smoke. The other two ladies are scared out of their wits and decide to try even harder not to step on a duck. The next week, the second lady steps on a duck. WHAM! the angel appears with another ugly man and chains her to him, and they are whisked away. The third lady is really scared and tries REALLY hard to not step on a duck. She doesn't step on one for about a week when suddenly the angel appears with a really handsome man, who looks frightened, and chains her to him. "Um, excuse me?" She says to the angel. "Not that I mind being chained to this man, but I never stepped on a duck, why do I have to be chained to someone?" "True," the angel says. "But he did."
