A guy dies and is waiting to speak to God to get into heaven. Couple other guys are in front of him. He overhears God ask the first guy, "When you were alive, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Guy says 10 times. God says, "okay, you get to drive around in heaven in a Toyota Corolla" Second Guy- 'How many times did you cheat on your wife' Second guys says 3 times. God gives him a Corvette to drive in heaven. It's finally the third guys turn and when God asks him how many times he cheated on his wife, he proudly responds, "never cheated on her once!" God gives this guy a Ferrari to drive in heaven. One day in heaven the three guys are all stopped at a light, all lined up next to each other. Guy in the Ferrari is crying his eyes out.. The two other guys ask him, "guy #3 why are you crying? You're in heaven, you lived a good life, never cheated on your wife, and you get to drive around in a Ferrari for all eternity.. What's wrong?" Third guy says, "ya all that's true... but I just passed up my wife on the street... and she was on Rollerblades!"
3 blondes are stranded on an island. They're walking down the beach one day and find a lamp. They pick it up and out pops a genie. "normally i give one person 3 wishes but in this case.. I'll give you each a single wish" First blonde: "make me twice as smart as I am now so I can figure out how to get off this island" POOF- Genie turns her into a redhead and she builds a canoe and paddles off the island. Second Blonde: "make me 5 times as smart so I can figure out how to get off this island" POOF- Genie turns her into a brunette, she builds a fire, makes a smoke signal and gets rescued. Third Blonde: "make me 20 times smarter so I can figure out how to get out of here" POOF- Genie turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge!
Another genie joke.. A guy and his wife are walking on the beach in California when they find a lamp with a genie. Genie comes out and offers only 1 wish to the husband. Husband says "gee I really like Hawaii, why don't you build a bridge from CA to Hawaii so I can drive there without having to fly. Genie looks out over the ocean... calculates some figures in his head... "Ya know... that's gonna be pretty tough. even I as a genie with incomparable powers am going to have a hard time with this. All the physics and.. Ya I just don't know about that. Is there anything else I can offer you?" Guy thinks for a minute, looks at his wife and says "tell me what goes on inside her head" Genie says, "How many lanes you want on that bridge?"
Me and a friend were up one night in like 7th grade or so, trying to stay up as many days straight as possible. Made it to the beggining of day 3 and by that time we were completely wasted on lack of sleep. We were telling jokes and stuff and for some reason my friend shouted with an asian accent "What do you call dwagon living in cave?" and I said in an asian accent "What?" and he said "Fountain!". For some reason this cracked us up beyond all belief. We laughed over it for hours untill we inevitably passed out. I think we ended up sleeping for like 19 hours after that. Win. Hands down Edit: Actually, Outkast1, all of your's were pretty f*ckin epic ahaahaha I love sexist jokes. *flexes*
Thanks Booch. I liked your doctor joke. I thought it sounded familiar when I started reading it, but I hadn't heard that one before. Gotta add that to the list!
A Man finds a lamp while walking along the beach. He rubs it three times and a genie comes out, just like in all the stories. The genie offers the man three wishes, however there is a twist: "Whatever you wish for, you're wife will get double." The man thinks long and hard about what he wants to wish for. At last he starts talking. "I wish I had a billion dollars." The genie granted him his wish, gave him a billion dollars and his wife got two billion. Then he wished his second wish: "I wish I had the NICEST Ferrari in the world." He got a nice Ferrari, and his wife received two. Finally he came to his final wish: "I wish I was beat half to death."
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see that the fly has been circumcised."
ahh, the good old days. the men put in a hard days work, and we can come home to a hot meal and a clean home
