Well, now we finally know what Julius Styles: The International is: a bad game. We committed a lot of resources to reporting on it pre-release, so I thought it’d be for the best to tell you all what was up with its quality. Like Joystiq, I could only stomach the first 30 or so minutes of the 3D “King’s Quest meets Alpha Protocol”-ish title, but those 30 minutes were pretty telling. Heck, the first two minutes were.

“They said I needed some time away,” a bad Wesley Snipes impersonator says after the title card. “Some space to think after the incident. Get in a little fishing. Maybe some swimming,” he continues as the game states he’s doing all this in Arctic Lapland.

“I don’t think this is quite what they had in mind. I knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing does,” he says with a dead deer and an old bow strapped over his hulking shoulders. A helicopter carrying a man with a mysterious letter pops into view.

While that’s hilarious on some level, I don’t recommend a purchase at all and probably never will. This seems like a completely directionless game that neglects to telegraph or contextualize events and actions. Its initial puzzles and conversations suffer from the same woes. Also, since when was sarcasm considered a moral choice? Really? I mean, really?

  • Deadclown

    Is this really the full TA review? Even if it's bad, go for it. Lambast it. Dig in. Wtf is this?

    • http://toucharcade.com Eli Hodapp

      Where does it say anywhere that this is a review?

      • Deadclown

        It looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck, but it's really just an abortive chunk of a duck. 

        So no, it doesn't say it's a review. It just acts like one. :)

      • TimC

        It doesn't say it's a full review and it really isn't a an in-depth review. I don't think most people would make the mistake of thinking that it was one.

        In fact, within the first few sentances it says "I could only stomach the first 30 or so minutes..." <-- A pretty clear indicator that it's probably not going to be a full review and certainly is not going to be any sort of in depth look at the game. We get the idea that the game is bad enough not to really warrant a review and that it is only being mentioned because TouchArcade had "reporting on it."

  • UmbraVir

    So cold TA, so cold.

    The game does look bad though.

  • Anonymous

    I knew this would be a back of McDonald's dumpster release, the millisecond I saw the preview article.

  • Epoverb1

    Wha...!?? HOW!?!? This should be amazing!  Also, I love sudoku, match-3, and doodle jump games. *ducks*

  • Epoverb1

    Wha...!?? HOW!?!? This should be amazing!  Also, I love sudoku, match-3, and doodle jump games. *ducks*

  • Briker Ed

    I think we all learned to hold a shotgun up, just in case, whenever a game based on a new film release or a popular TV series approaches. Unfortunately, a vast majority of those needs to be shot down instantly. Only a handful of good (decent?) ones, but we never cease to hope. Or we just never learn :/

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sebastian-Paul/1186812355 Sebastian Paul

    I seldom regret shelling out money for a game that i don't play that often in the long run, but i really regret paying money for this... thing.
    As i already commented in the forum thread, there was some bug on my iOS5-iPad, requiring you to restart the game from the beginning whenever you opened the main menu, don't know is this also occurs on iOS4.3.

    But the first minute of gameplay, that slow-as-a-snail main character crawling through the cathedral to find his colleagues was enough.

    Give that guy the ability to run! He doesn't look like he is missing a leg and using prosthetics.

  • Dragon

    Is there a reason Arctic is highlighted? the north of lapland is indeed in the arctic circle.